'I am completely dead now': Indiana man's humorous, self-written obit reflects on brushes with death

LAFAYETTE, Ind. - It isn't every day someone gets to write their own obituary. Let alone one filled with this much wit and humor.




But Gary Wolfelt knew one day soon he'd be meeting his maker. He'd had too many close calls not to see the writing on the wall.




When at last the time came, and Gary found the Grim Reaper calling his number, he was ready.




"I am completely dead now," Gary wrote. "I am surprised that it took this long to happen."




Wolfelt died in a small plane crash in Ohio on May 5. The 72-year-old from Lafayette was the only person in the single-engine Express 2000 FT plane. Gary built the plane himself, according to his wife. A 17-year endeavor.




But it's not Gary's death that has people talking. It's his life, and the way Gary was given the rare opportunity to announce not only his own death, but also give summary of his long, fruitful life. A life Gary felt could've ended a half dozen times over.




"I had several close calls throughout my lifetime. I guess that I was just lucky that something didn't get me long before now," Gary wrote in his unique and humorous obit.




Gary described a "long series of events and mishaps" which he believes "should have killed me long ago."




These close calls include a fly ball to the noggin in Little League (his team going a miserable 0-20), a horse kick that nearly left him singing soprano, a brick chimney that almost crushed him flat and a long fall down down a set of stairs with a safe racing down behind him.




"Thank goodness for pain killing drugs!" Gary exclaimed.




Gary lovingly and jokingly reflects on his family, pondering if his sister had anything to do with that horse-kicking incident. He apologizes to his sixth-grade classmates and reflects on failing math class (likely due to that fly ball to the head).




Never having kids of his own, Gary muses on his love of dogs over people.




"Generally a dog will only bite you when you have it coming. This is not the case with many people."




Among his proudest accomplishments, Gary lists staying lovingly married to his wife for over 40 years.




"Goodbye and Peace. I am hanging up now," Gary wrote, signing off for the final time.




Well, not without a little suggestion about how to best celebrate his life.




"In accordance with my wishes, there will be no funeral. I don't want people coming by to look at me all dressed up and stretched out in an expensive box looking as bad as I will probably look in a completely dead condition.... Maybe after a while some of my friends might get together and have a party on my behalf. I will try to remember to have a nice full size stand up cardboard cutout of me available for the event. I am pretty sure someone will want to claim it for a dart board afterwords."




Read Gary's full obituary for yourself by clicking here.





via: https://fox59.com/indiana-news/i-am-completely-dead-now-indiana-mans-humorous-self-written-obit-reflects-on-brushes-with-death/