Dear Future Hubster,
Have you ever wished upon a star? When you were a child, did you envision life at 30? What about life in your 30's? Did you think about marriage? See I did and to be perfectly honest, Hubster, I didn't think life would be like this. When I was wishing upon those stars in the early 90's, I didn't think that I'd have to love through pain. See I've been here before and I'm scared. Scared to make the wrong move, scared to be vulnerable, scared to trust someone enough to have my back when the going gets tough, scared to place the thing I've worked so hard at mending...MY HEART in someone else's hands! Yes, me...I'M SCARED. I've loved someone during what was the toughest point in my life...while grieving the death of my father and the murder of my brother. I've loved while unsure of who I really was. It's hard trying to give your all to someone when your spirit's been broken (I wish someone would've told me this) when your world has been kicked off its axis and you're not even sure you want to live. I put on a good front for a while, but honestly Hubster, I was dying inside. I'm sharing this because in the midst of my fear I'm open to this love. One of the biggest lessons I learned from my previous experience is that there's no replacing the dead. I tried. I've had some time to sort my feelings out. I've most definitely hurt some people along the way (which I'm not proud of), but the most important things I've learned is what LOVE is & what I'm made of, lol, but I'm still scared. I know I have to let go and as much as the thought of you brings this peace to my spirit, part of me is still scared. I'm no chicken, Husbter. I just want you to know that beyond the laughs and superficiality this is me. I'm sure you're scared as well. So if you hold my hand, I promise we'll do this thing right, together. And finally, all that wishing we've both done will materialize.